Choking

by Bibi
(Denmark)

For a while, I was in a relationship that drove me into a deep depression. My boyfriend had autism and was mentally ill. He repeatedly choked and kicked me without ever noticing that he did and every time I put my foot down he would either blame me for what happened or deny it. A few times he would act extra nice afterward but would forget his promises very quickly. After I finally got out of the relationship he would tell people that we were still together or made wild, insane claims that I was the abuser, stole from him etc.

I didn't know much about autism when I met him, and his explanations about the condition were coated in his belief that he was, in fact, smarter than everyone else. My sense of humor was an affront to him and when I made a joke he would sometimes throw fits of some martyr-ish kind or even push me. If I pushed back to save myself, he was acting hurt. He knew all the theoretic rules of how not to behave and if I made even a tiny mistake he would never let it go. In our few good moments together he would sometimes try to find reasons why I probably was autistic too. I guess to try and relate to me in some way.

I lost friends because of the relationship. They took his side. Some thought he was very cute and would dismiss the choking and kicking as harmless because he didn't mean to and didn't choke me very hard. The weirder I acted, the closer I came to a breakdown because of the stress, the more they pulled away.

life without him is much better but I am still in counseling and still trying to remember exactly what happened.

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